Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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