I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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