She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
