At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
