I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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