Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
