There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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