mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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