Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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