what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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