Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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