just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
