I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
