I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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