there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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