That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
