We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
