Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
