First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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