Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
