ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
