U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
