actually, I'm a sock model
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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