Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
