Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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