I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
