I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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