Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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