so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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