I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
