you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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