My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
