the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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