So drunk its hurt
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
do herpes really smell.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
