life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
