i love accidental penises.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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