Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
