Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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