The brown eye won't let me do that either.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
