I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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