I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My day in three words: secret purse cake
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
