Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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