Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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