Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
