i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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