she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
