what day is it and did you see me today?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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