Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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