yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
