It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
