Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
