ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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