Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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