I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
