I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
i think i just lost a toe
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
