He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
