hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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