Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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