uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
