I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
